gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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