i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
