Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
