everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
