There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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