Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
