I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize