True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
