Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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