So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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