dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you had me at cake vodka
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
