i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
