Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
