I must be too annoying 4 u.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
