Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
