I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
