Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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