I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
