I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
