i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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