handjob tips. give me some.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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