Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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