one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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