I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We have started to decorate penises.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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