is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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