Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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