Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
