how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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