Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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