I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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