it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
