I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
