He uses pillows to masturbate.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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