I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
