and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
