i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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