I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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