did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
