mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
