If that was your dad, he is hot
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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