what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
