hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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