i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
