he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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