In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
