Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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