Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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