nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
