And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
