Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
