About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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