i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
