I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
