a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
