He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm having to shit out rocks
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
