Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Someone came in the potted fern
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
