we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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