You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
