There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
