I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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