So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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