Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
